Every beginning has an ending, and every ending leads to a beginning. 2022 is ending, and I am finally writing this blog entry that I knew I needed to write for a while now. Since my art is tied so closely with my life, I feel a responsibility to share my story if I am to share my art. Here we go.

The end of 2022 marks the end of a life chapter, specifically, being married to Billy Meinke-Lau. It’s the end of a relationship that was full of love, joy, and laughter, but also, grievances and pain. It’s the end of one family (the three of us) and the transition to a different family (Obi and me).

Our separation began in February of 2021. In March of that year, I wrote “Blue Lily in the Rain.” I was compelled to share my hurt, even if I wasn’t ready to share the source. And then for the next two months, I painted the Delight collection. What surprised me about those paintings was that they looked so happy. Maybe that’s what I needed at the time.

*Turmoil*, 16x16” original mixed media (Magnolia Boutique, Kahala Mall). We continued to fight and repeat our cycles/patterns of behavior.

For over one year, we tried to salvage our relationship. I do believe we tried extremely hard. “We always do the best we can by the light we have to see by.” - Julia Cameron. This period of trying was the most challenging, painful time of my life. I was both grieving and hoping, trying and failing, and ignoring my intuition. I would wake up in the morning and desperately wish I were still asleep, because I wasn’t ready to accept my reality. The forest was dark and I could only take the next step; I couldn’t see beyond one step. I wondered for a long time whether I would reach a clearing.

We could not heal our relationship, and we could not heal our individual selves while together. We stopped trying to make things work in Spring 2022. Finally, I could let go.

*Nourish*, 14x11” original watercolor (my personal collection). What is more nourishing than love?

I painted the Flow Together collection between March and June 2022. This collection embodies my pain, but it also embodies my love. I made great attempts at trying to understand what love is. While the break-up was the end of one example of love, I discovered a love for myself, and a love for my community and for all imperfect human beings. Love is a gift, and love is expressed through giving. Love is kindness, compassion, generosity of spirit, and gratitude. Love is healing and inner peace.

I learned the values of ALOHA*. Because of the separation, I learned the type of life lessons you don’t learn until you need to… things like nonviolent communication, confronting my fears including my fear of abandonment, and what it means to respond instead of react. Not that I am perfect at all of those things now, but at least my awareness has changed. Today, I am so grateful for everything I gained during that life-changing year.

Even if I felt alone, I was never alone. Friends whom I confided in went out of their way to cheer me up, offered kind and loving words, food and babysitting. When I was hit by a car in November 2021, so many people reached out to me with love, expressed through hand-written cards, Uber/Lyft/DoorDash gift cards, and emails including from many of you readers. My dear companions, while you couldn’t take away my hurt, you walked alongside me, and for that I am forever grateful.

The layer of sadness that wrapped around my being for 1.5 years began to shed this Fall. I still allowed myself to cry, but I cried less. A beacon of light grew brighter. I began taking salsa and bachata classes. I started a new full-time job. I traveled some. I surfed a lot but painted very little. I tried a session in a sensory deprivation chamber, Healing Touch, and a breathwork class. I journal (morning pages) everyday.

I am the butterfly emerging from her cocoon.

The sun rises, the flower blooms. I am opening, and I am full of life. I am excited for the new year, excited for new beginnings. 2023, may you bring me much sunrise surf, love and connection, and inspiration. Forward is my direction.

*Forward*, 8x10” original watercolor (Polu Gallery, Haleiwa). Even if you go in one direction, and I in another, we can have a touch point, a small connection. Our direction is forward.

*ALOHA as taught by Auntie Pilahi Paki.

A – Akahai – Grace; kindness to be expressed with a feeling of tenderness

L – Lōkahi – Unbroken; unity to be expressed with a feeling of harmony

O – ʻOluʻolu – Gentle; agreeable to be expressed with a feeling of pleasantness

H – Haʻahaʻa – Go empty, listen to the words that are not spoken; humility to be expressed with a feeling of modesty

A – Ahonui – Waiting for the moment; patience to be applied with perseverance

An ending and a beginning.